march 9, 1999
it hurts to breathe.  it snowed a lot today, and i have decided that i cannot take another inch of this.  both of these are sort of out of season. i am so sick of winter, so sick of looking slick in my winter coat an instance...but freezing to the bone.
i am so ready for spring, it the only other season besides autumn that dayton seems right. (mental imagery of the city decked out in new spring clothes. sorry, i have a fever, alright?)  it's cliched and yet very strang how time seems to slip out from under us like wet leaves. last spring at this time i can't even remembers what i was doing, probably saying some sort of goodbye. like when teresa moved to florida for school.  we hung out all that past summer, then in fall she left, came back to vist, left again. a constant cycle of "hello good buddy" and goodbyetakecarei'llmissyou". it's  like pulling off a bandaid slowly. i'm felling really whiny because i'm sick and i don't get to see a lot of my friends because they have all moved away and now i'm like the only one left in this shithole town.  i talked to teresa tonight, though. she says she's moving to cincinnati this may, which is cool because it's not that far away. the zine may have a new writer added to the staff...hmmm...

i feel crazy sometimes. i feel that i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm afraid of my pen my mouth my guitar. everything seems dirty and random. i'm slacking on printing the zine. i'm sick as hell with the flu.
i feel old because i never leave the house to go outside. i hate shows sometimes, when i used to live for them. i want to go on tour with my band not to play shows but to have an excuse to go on vacation. i want to enter the cutthroat world of graphic design. iwant to breathe free.

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